How to Find Faith During a Divorce… February 7, 2013

I have been having this issue lately. I haven’t desired to reunite with my ex-husband…I have just felt like everything has been working against me and I find myself saying, “Is this my punishment for initiating the divorce?” So, I did a little research to see what articles were out there to help me figure out my path to finding my faith again. This is what I found:

“You stood before family and friends on your wedding day, thrilled to be able to spend the rest of your life with your one true love, but now that dream is over. When a marriage ends prematurely through divorce, it’s natural to feel lost, scared, sad or faithless. If your relationship with God was once strong and thriving, you may find that you struggle to feel that same connection. While a divorce is a difficult process for you, your former spouse and any children you may have, it is possible to get through this period of your life and find faith to help you along the way.

 

Instructions:

• Remind yourself that the divorce is not entirely your fault. Whether you chose to leave your spouse or it was your spouse’s idea to terminate the marriage, remember that it always takes two people to make a relationship work. Avoid placing all of the blame on yourself.
• Forgive your spouse for his/her failures. You cannot move forward with your life until you are able to completely forgive his/her mistakes. While the divorce is not entirely your fault, it’s not completely his/her fault either. Forgive your spouse in your heart and, if your relationship is still civil, verbally convey forgiveness.

• Spend time in prayer each day. Don’t worry about being professional or holy. Simply state your requests to God as honestly and truthfully as you can. Share your heartache, your pain, your hopes and your feelings. Ask for guidance and, if you feel weak, ask for strength to make it through this time.
• Read your Bible, Book of Mormon, Koran or other holy document. While it may seem simple, immersing yourself in your holy scriptures may help you feel closer to God and more faithful and calm. You don’t have to read a lot, but make an effort to read a page or two each day and to focus on what the passage means.
• Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t feel that you’re less of a person or less faithful for feeling sad about the end of your marriage. You don’t have to be strong all of the time. It is okay to cry, scream, yell or lose sleep over this. It’s normal. Just remember to talk to a friend, counselor, pastor or therapist if you feel out of control with grief, or if your sadness begins to affect your ability to maintain your daily activities, such as work.
• Spend time with friends from church, synagogue or temple who have experienced a divorce but who maintain a strong faith. You’ll be able to vent your frustrations and receive godly advice that helps you through this while maintaining a positive perspective.”

Read more: How to Find Faith During a Divorce | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_8279262_faith-during-divorce.html#ixzz2KBBK3jF9

 -DivorcedChic 

Study Shows Divorced Women Have Less Economic Security Than Women Who Stay Married… February 2, 2013

According to Jeff Landers, a Forbes.com Contributor:

“As a Divorce Financial Strategist (TM), I see every day how broken marriages impact the financial well-being of women.

Surprisingly, though, there isn’t much research documenting precisely how women fare financially in the years following divorce . . . and that’s precisely why a new study from the University of Connecticut caught my eye.

Kenneth Couch, an economics professor in the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences at UConn, studies the economic effects of unexpected lifecycle events, and he recently investigated the economic costs of divorce on women.

The unusually long-term study, developed in collaboration with the Social Security Administration, covered some 40 years across the lifespan of more than 2,000 women.

In general, Couch found that “family structure matters a lot” for women’s economic well-being.

More specifically, he looked at about 600 women who divorced in the 1970s. Couch found that over the past 40 years, or so, these women lost significant ground with regard to their financial well-being –unless they remarried.

Why? According to Couch, women in the study who did not remarry went back into the job market and stayed there, increasing their personal earnings until they retired. However, after retirement, these women did not receive the extra “boost” of a spouse’s Social Security benefit –and that boost turned out to be significant. The data revealed an average monthly Social Security benefit of about:

• $1,000/month for divorced women
• $2,000/month for divorced women who remarried
• $2,200/month for continuously married women

What do these results tell me?

Of course, the easy answer is this: Staying married can lead to greater economic security.

But, a simple statement like that tells only part of the story.

We know that about half of marriages will end in divorce. And we know that, even in the short-term, divorce hits women particularly hard. (See these recent figures from the U.S. Census Bureau which show that women who divorced in the past 12 months were more likely to receive public assistance, more likely to be in poverty and more likely to have less household income than recently divorced men.)

So, what the results from the UConn study tell me is that every woman needs a solid plan for her economic well-being. Every woman needs to establish financial security before, during and after marriage –even though that process can be extremely challenging.

In many ways, divorce knows no economic boundaries. Even for an affluent woman, divorce can be financially disastrous –or it can be an opportunity to secure a stable financial future. The difference lies in how carefully you analyze your current finances and plan for your future financial well-being.

Because –as I’ve been known to say before –when it comes to divorce, there are no do-overs. You get only one chance to get it right. That’s why women need to proceed with caution. They need to think financially, so that when faced with divorce, they can act wisely to secure a solid financial future for themselves and their families.”

To see the original article click here: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2011/11/01/study-shows-divorced-women-have-less-economic-security-than-women-who-stay-married/

-DivorcedChic

Should I Stay In My Marriage For My Kids? January 28, 2013

This excerpt was taken from an article on Parents.com, for the full article please see the bottom of this post. I hope this helps some people!

 

“The decision to divorce, especially when children are involved, is one of the most difficult choices a person can face.  Divorce is not pretty.  It adds stress to the lives of each spouse, their families, friends and their children.  Unfortunately, divorce tends to bring out the worst in people.  Hurt feelings and anger often take precedence over doing what is truly best for the kids.  Because of this, I always encourage couples to do everything they can to work on their issues and challenge themselves to do the work to repair their marriages before choosing divorce.  Go to counseling.  Read books.  Talk with friends and loved ones.  Work at it.  When a marriage is healthy and the parents are working together towards the long-term health and happiness of the marriage and the family, it is always better for the kids. 

 

Having said that, there is no reason to believe that staying together at any cost is better for children than divorcing.  In fact, when parents who are unhappy together and engage in unhealthy relationship habits stay together “for the kids” it can often do more harm than good.  The behaviors you display in your home will set the stage for how your children will behave as adults.  They learn what it means to be married, how to be a husband or wife and how to effectively (or ineffectively) deal with conflict in a relationship.  I often hear people say things like, “But we don’t do it in front of them,” or “They don’t really see what’s going on.”  I assure you that these people are mistaken.  Over the course of day-in/day-out, year after year, these messages accumulate, and take root, increasing the likelihood that your kids will repeat the very same patterns they have seen in their home growing up.  The good news is that when couples do decide to get divorced and they handle their divorce in a mature and collaborative way, there is plenty of reason to believe that the children can be just fine in the long run.  In other words, it is not necessarily divorce itself that determines whether or not your kids will be ok, but rather how each adult behaves during and after the divorce.  Remember, divorce is not an isolated event – it unfolds over many years.  Parents who can remain civil, avoid bad-mouthing and blaming each other, work together to create unified parenting strategies and give their children consistent time, attention and reassurance have a very good chance of seeing their kids grow up just as happy and healthy as those of healthy intact couples.  Ultimately, the bottom line is this: unhappy parents do not tend to raise happy children.  And unhealthy relationships that “stay together for the kids” when the marriage is destructive tend to produce children who have unhealthy relationships as adults.  For an enlightening perspective on divorce and the pros and cons as they relate to children, check out The Truth About Children and Divorce by Robert Emery and For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered by E. Mavis Hetherington.”

http://www.parents.com/advice/parenting/relationships/should-i-stay-in-my-marriage-for-the-kids/

-DivorcedChic

Cartoon Corner… January 20, 2013

“What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced” – Natasha Burton January 15, 2013

I read this article on Yahoo.com today and I thought it was insightful…

Hindsight’s 20/20, so there’s no one better than ex-wives to tell you what to do (and not to do) if you’re going through-or just contemplating-a divorce. Here, real women share what they wish they’d known when they split from their husbands and divorce professionals weigh in on how to combat the most unexpected, yet most common, mistakes they’ve seen clients make. Rest assured, these 10 lessons can get you through the end of your marriage, both financially and emotionally. 

1. It may take a long time to recover-and that’s okay.   Julie, 50, from Denver, thought she’d be able to handle her divorce. “I’m a strong person, I own my own business and I’m a professional speaker,” she says. But she admits she could barely function for a full year after the split. Her divorce recovery classes helped her realize everyone bounces back at their own pace. Psychotherapist Pandora MacLean-Hoover, who’s divorced, also suggests finding a therapist who knows firsthand how vulnerable you are. “Therapists who haven’t experienced divorce often create false hope,” in regards to recovering quickly. “It’s important to have support that’s educated as well as therapeutic.”
 

2. Choose your counsel wisely.   “I used a criminal attorney and got a poor settlement,” admits Christine K. Clifford, CEO of Divorcing Divas. On the other hand, a lawyer who’s well-versed in family law could get you a better settlement because she knows the state-law nuances and local judges and lawyers, says Jacqueline Newman, a partner at a boutique New York City law firm specializing in divorce. If you and your husband have complicated combined assets, you may need additional pros. Kira Brown, 34, from Phoenix, AZ, owned a business with her ex-husband and wishes she’d also hired a financial planner for help negotiating her settlement.

3. Dig deeply into your joint finances.   According to financial analyst Sandy Arons, a divorcee herself, 40% of divorce proceedings are about money. So get as much information as you can about your shared accounts to be well-informed before court. Specifically, “learn all of the online passwords to bank accounts, which accounts had automatic payments and where money is invested, including the names of all accounts, the account numbers and the investment advisors,” says Newman. Ask your attorney when and how it’s best to gather this info first, though.

4. Figure out your future living expenses ASAP.   Your financial well-being should be your top priority, says divorce financial expert and mediator Rosemary Frank. “Raw emotions will heal and legalities will be completed, but the financial impact of poor decisions, or default decisions due to lack of understanding, will last a lifetime,” she warns. Step one: Thoroughly understand your current cost of living before the divorce proceedings start. “If you don’t know what you’ll need in the future, you won’t be able to ask for it and you surely won’t get it,” she says. 

5. Anticipate unexpected costs.   Even with carefully planning out your future expenses, something surprising may pop up. For example, your husband may be able to boot you from his health insurance plan, leaving you with an added cost of as much as $1,000 per month. Caitlin, 55, from Tarrytown, NY, recommends requesting a one-time payment, separate from alimony. “I asked for, and got, a check 30 days after my husband left,” she says. “Too many men dodge their financial responsibilities, so waiting for that first alimony check is unwise. Try to have money available-like $5,000-within days. You’ll need it.”

6. Trying to hurt your ex usually backfires.  Newman says that a client of hers told her husband’s boss about his affair with his secretary and ended up getting him fired. “It not only ‘showed him;’ it also showed the wife-and their children-what life is like on a lower salary,” she says. Simply badmouthing your ex is likely to hurt your kids more than your husband, even if you don’t think they hear or read what you say. “Anything written online about an ex-spouse will exist forever-when the children are old enough to read,” cautions Newman.

7. Being divorced doesn’t mean you’re a failure, less competent or less desirable.   “Divorce used to be something people didn’t do, and many considered divorced women to be ‘loose’ and ‘scandalous,'” says two-time divorcee Jennifer Little, PhD, founder of Parents Teach Kids. Some of those stigmas still exist, she says, so remember that divorce doesn’t define you. “Divorcing just means that the relationship didn’t work out,” she says. “You haven’t been rejected as a woman or a person, nor are you incompetent at being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend.”

8. The holidays will be harder than you expect.  Amanda, 29, from Albuquerque, NM, was married for over six years until her divorce. “I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness that accompanied Christmas,” she says. “It amplified the concept of a broken home.” She wishes she had made plans to see her mother or a friend-or taken a vacation-to take her mind off spending the holiday by herself. So make sure you stay busy during that difficult time of year.

9. Your kids won’t tell you how they really feel about the divorce, but their behavior will.   “Children feel a sense of responsibility for the breakup no matter how much the parents state it wasn’t about them,” says marriage and family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. So monitor your kids’ actions to understand how they’re dealing. Watch out for little ones regressing in their behavior-acting younger, wanting to sleep in bed with you-or showing anger toward siblings and peers. Adolescents tend to act out by drinking, skipping school or disobeying curfews. To get things back on track, Doares suggests addressing issues as a family so everyone can talk about the changes together. Also, inform your child’s teacher of the new situation, but don’t automatically put your kid in therapy. “It can leave him feeling stigmatized or reinforce that the divorce is his fault,” says Doares, though therapy’s a good option if the behavior change is extreme.

 

10. Divorce can be freeing-and totally worth it. Annie, 47, from Boston, felt like she didn’t have any talents, besides caring for her kids, before divorcing in 2007. She now has a blog, PlentyPerfect.com, and sees new directions her life can take. “Divorce can be the beginning of a good next chapter, even if you don’t know how the book’s going to end,” she says. “Maybe you don’t know what the options are yet, but they’re out there.”

Original article appeared on WomansDay.com.

To Read the Article Quoted Above Visit: What I Wish I Knew

-DivorcedChic

How Can You Stop Your Ex-husband From Bullying You During Communication That is Supposed to Be About Your Child?… January 14, 2013

This is a topic that goes both ways, but I am currently experiencing this one:

According to Wiki.Answers.Com:

“Best Answer

‘It took a bit of research into psychological phenomenon. Now that I have done so, it is much easier to understand him. There is nothing you can do to stop the bullying. Out of the mouth of babes: “Just bless him and walk away.” A bully is always bound to strike harder before they will target someone else. In many cases, they will restrict or cut back child support if you withdrawal yourself as the target in other ways. This was predicted and he did so. Still, the state is adament that dead beat dads put their children first. They can and will quickly garnish wages while the custodial parent doesn’t have to whisper a word to him. There is nothing he can do if you delete him from your life. No one wants a bully in their lives. Stick to your decision and keep him out.’

‘To handle an Ex bullying you and the Children is the hardest thing to go through. I know, because I have been in this situation with my Ex. We separated 11 years ago, and it’s just gotten worse and worse, to the point that my two sons repeat their dads beliefs to me. The dehumanization of me, their mother, is tough because I see how much the children are losing in themselves, their ambitions, goals, etc… They are too busy trying to appease their father’s approval. They want to be loved and be like their mentor, I understand… but it’s hard to watch (and not be able to do anything about it). In my desperate moments, I try and leave the worry and concern with God, because you have to deal someway. CAS and the Courts, I feel will hurt the children more, so I try and keep the hate out of me, by praying to God. (This has helped but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever deal with).'”

-DivorcedChic

Cartoon Corner… January 11, 2013

Celebrity News… January 9, 2013

UGH…yet another “celebrity” making a mockery of marriage, relationships and motherhood. According to Yahoo.com:

 

“Welcome to Kasa Kim and Kanye!

A source confirms to omg! that parents-to-be Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have plunked down $11 million for a sprawling mansion in gated Bel Air, California, just six months before they’re set to get a visit from the stork. TMZ reports that the couple purchased the 10,000-square-foot residence weeks ago – before the world knew about their baby news – and immediately began renovating it, giving it an extra 4,000-square-feet of space.

Kim and Kanye. (Denise Truscello/WireImage)Once it’s complete, the Italian-style villa – which is right down the road from neighbors Jennifer Aniston, NBA star Chris Paul, and Kardashian family friend, “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis – will boast a hair and makeup salon, movie theater, gym, bowling alley, basketball court, indoor pool and an outdoor pool. For even more photos of the stunning piece of real estate, check out Zillow.com.

“It’s so exciting for them,” a source tells People. “The house is gorgeous. And they really wanted and needed the privacy.”

The new home is not only safely tucked away from prying eyes, but it’s also a good 15 miles away from Calabasas, where Kardashian’s momager, Kris Jenner, lives with husband Bruce Jenner and their two teen daughters. Although the distance may not seem far, in L.A. traffic that could translate to quite a drive.

Buying a home together is a big deal! Last May, not long after they first started dating, the rapper moved into Kardashian’s abode and put his three-bedroom, three-and-a-half bath Hollywood Hills home on the market for $3.995 million. A month later, that same pad was robbed while West, 35, was on tour in England. According to real estate site, Zillow.com, it never sold and was likely taken off the market.

Since then, whenever the two are both on the West Coast, they’ve been shacking up under Kardashian’s roof … just like Kris Humphries did until they split in October 2011 after 72 days of marriage. The reality mega-star owns a $4.8 million five-bedroom Tuscan-style villa in a gated community in Beverly Hills, which she bought in 2010.

While their dream home is being perfected, the couple is kicking back in Paris. After spending a few days in Miami with her BFF, publicist Jonathan Cheban, Kardashian, 32, skipped the pond and showed up with her baby-daddy in France on Tuesday afternoon. Their first order of business? Shopping! After all, they’re going to need plenty of new things to fill their massive home.”

 

Not even divorced from her first highly publicized marriage and she is already shacked up with another man, playing house and having his child…

-DivorcedChic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrity News… January 8, 2013

According to People.com, yet another Taylor Swift relationship bites the dust:

 

“It’s official: Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles have headed to splitsville.
The musical lovebirds, who spent time vacationing in the snow and sun together over the holidays, have broken up, sources confirm to PEOPLE.
News of the couple’s demise has been widespread: the New York Post‘s Page Six reports, citing a source, that after visiting the British Virgin Islands together following a New Year’s Eve smooch, Swift left by herself on Jan. 4.
Meanwhile, a photo of Styles in a hot tub with multiple people, including Richard Branson, surfaced Monday.

Reps for both stars have not commented.
Swift, 23, and Styles, 18, debuted as a couple during a taping of The X Factor in November, and were seemingly inseparable after that. They packed on the PDA at a party in New York on Dec. 6, and spent her birthday together visiting northern England.
Although the pair appeared to fall for each other fast, a source who knows Swift told PEOPLE of the romance, “No one is taking it seriously.””

 

I’m just dreading this girl getting married…right now she is a serial dater, can you imagine her being a serial husband finder? It makes me wonder what her family life was like growing up or if she even had a normal, non-famous boyfriend/relationship/date. So very sad, a lot of young girls look up to her and this is not setting a very good example for them. We need to stop looking at relationships as disposable…just sayin’.

-DivorcedChic

Food For Thought… January 7, 2013

“The arrangements couples make in order to maintain civility in the midst of their journey of divorce are often most elaborate when the professed top priority is to protect the child”

-John Irving